Jessica Walsh

Did you see Timothy today?
No.

What did y’all do together?
We tried to meet up to discuss the end of the project. However, I had another doctor’s appointment and had to work very late on client work at the studio. We talked on the phone a few times throughout the day instead.

Did anything interesting happen?
Tim sounded extremely sad and disappointed that I wanted to end the project. At times in the conversation he sounded vulnerable and insecure. He doesn’t want to let go, he really wants us to make it through the full 40 days. As the conversation progressed, the guilt of quitting on him started to eat away at me.

I also couldn’t help but remind myself that his fear of abandonment is very real, and this is just adding to the guilt. Even if this isn’t a romantic relationship, I don’t want to abandon him. I gave him my word, and I want to honor my commitment. But things are not okay, and we both need to figure it out. It reminds me of this saying: “In the end, everything will be okay. If it’s not okay, it’s not yet the end.”

I called him late tonight to let him know I was willing to push through and continue with the project if he was, too. He said he was.

Did you learn anything new about Timothy?
Tim continues to be wishy-washy around the romantic possibilities between us. He’s continues to show signs of interest through flirtation, but when I try to reciprocate, he pulls back. It’s confusing.

Did you learn anything new about yourself?
His ambiguity stirs up some insecurities on my end, too. If I like a guy and he’s interested, then that’s great! If not, I move on. I don’t need to chase him. It’s not possible to move on in the context of this bizarre experiment, though. I have to see him for another 24 days, so my mind just wanders in circles. He says he wants to change and settle down, and he says he’s interested in me, so then what is the hold up? Is he really that afraid? Is he looking for something that I don’t have? Why do I care so much?

How do you feel about this relationship/project right now?
I’m now 100% committed to finishing the experiment with Tim.

Is there anything that you want to do differently?
I need to become more comfortable with ambiguity. And I need to let go of the hopes that this could turn into something more.

Additional comments?
The doctor gave me a new medication to try. I want to stay positive about it all. Like other shitty things in life, I am confident this too shall pass.