Jessica Walsh

Did you see Timothy today?
Yes. Almost naked, too.

What did y’all do together?
We went to Aire Spa in Tribeca. I’ve been several times with friends, and I love the hot baths and steam rooms. Tim bought me tickets to the Knicks game last week, his happy place, so I thought I’d treat him to one of mine. I got us the two hour pass that includes a one hour massage.

Did anything interesting happen?
While we were in the steam room, Tim discussed why he didn’t think a romantic relationship between us would ever work. This meant 10 minutes of listening to him point out all my quirks and weaknesses. If I didn’t know him so well, I would have either written him off or gotten offended. I’ve known Tim for years, though, and I know this is his normal routine when he likes a girl.

As soon as he starts seeing a girl, especially a girl he really likes, he’ll focus on bizarre things about her that bother him. These things are meaningless in terms of a relationship, but he claims they are deal breakers. A few months ago he dated a great girl who seemed to have it all, but he decided he should end things because he didn’t like her shoes. Seriously. The next girl he said he liked hooked up with him too soon. The next girl he dated was amazing but she didn’t like her career as much as he likes his. All of them are either too quiet, too loud, not creative enough, not smart enough, has daddy issues, etc. The lists of these reasons go on and on.

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. People aren’t perfect. No one likes perfection anyways, it’s boring. Tim knows this. I think he uses these excuses to protect himself from getting too attached to a girl. I think he fears that if he gets too close he’ll lose control of the situation and get hurt.

Did you learn anything new about Timothy?
In the steam room I noticed he has a big tattoo sleeve on his upper arm. I don’t know how I missed this before. We talked about the meanings behind his tattoos and when he got them. He told me that one of his ex-girlfriends got a tattoo of his name. She wanted him to have her name tattooed on him as well, but they broke up before he went through with it.

Did you learn anything new about yourself?
In middle school and early on in high school, I had serious struggles with perfectionism. I was terrified of breaking rules, I never had the guts to stand up for myself, and I had a massive fear of failure. I became shy and withdrawn, as I feared I might say something wrong. I hated my appearance, and I pushed myself too far at times.

Many years and many hours in therapy later, I’ve come to realize that the more I tried to reach perfection, the further I would get from it. I happily learned to embrace my quirks and weaknesses, and focus my energy on my strong suits. I am far from perfect and I want to continue to learn and grow. However, I also want to be with someone who can accentuate my positives, not focus on my negatives.

How do you feel about this relationship/project right now?
I have now admitted to Tim on a few occasions that I like him and I am curious to see if something more could develop between us. We still have to see each other every day for the next twenty-seven days, so if there was ever a time to try this out, why not now? Needless to say, he’s still confused, and continues to send me mixed signals.

Is there anything that you want to do differently?
I suppose I should listen to our therapist, who said I should be careful of how close I let myself get to Tim. He seems to be unable to admit to the idea that he likes me, so will he ever be ready for something more? Perhaps it is better we just stay friends.

Additional comments?
My insomnia is now full-blown because of the headaches. I’ve been trying out various medications, and while they help me sleep, they make me extremely tired and foggy during the day. Thankfully my doctor’s appointment is tomorrow.